I Need A Hero
by Aaron D
Summary: If your city needs help, call dynamic super-heroes Captain Zoom (Zell) and Rocket Gal (Selphie) to save the day! Chapter 7: Cowboy Werewolf's evil plot goes into action! Plus: Everybody Loves Laguna!
1. One

  


I Need A Hero 

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

"Zell!" Irvine Kinneas shouted as he walked into the blond SeeD's room. "Will you cut it out?" 

Zell wore a hangdog expression, though his words protested his innocence. "What's the problem, Irvine?" 

Irvine stomped loudly into the room. "I'm a little busy, you know! Even though all you guys are full-fledged SeeDs, I've still got to take the written test!" He slumped down in the chair at Zell's desk. "I think they're going to let me use our little 'excursion' as credit for my field test, but this studying's murder! And I _can't_ do it with you in here acting out your favorite scenes! Sheesh," he said to no one in particular, "it happens every time he gets a new comic in the mail..." 

"But Irvine, it's my favorite comic book, Inspector Slash!" 

"You mean the private detective with chainsaws for hands?" 

"Yeah, that's him!" Zell said excitedly, striking a heroic pose. "Give up, evildoers, or you shall be cut asunder by my blades of justice!" 

"That's what I'm talking about!" Irvine growled. "Stop that!" 

"Hey, Zell," Selphie interjected, bursting into the room and nearly bowling over Irvine on his way out. "Did you get the new 'Inspector Slash?'" 

"Yeah, I just got it!" 

"Awesome! You wanna act it out?" 

"Okay, but I get to be Slash!" 

"Aw, man!" Selphie pouted. 

"Hey, it's my comic book!" 

"All right...well, then, watch out Slash, or Professor Acidbreath'll show you who rules Chainsaw City!" 

"Hah!" Zell started chopping the air with his hands, up and down. "I'll cut you down like so much timber!" 

The two heard a rough pounding on the wall. "Hey, quiet down in there!" Irvine's voice was muffled by the wall. Then, he let out a big sigh and stormed past the open door, muttering, "I don't care HOW crowded the library is..." 

"What a loser," said Zell, slipping back into his Inspector Slash persona. "And now, Professor---" 

"Hey," Selphie interrupted. "I just had an idea. Why don't we do this for real?" 

"For real?" 

"Yeah," Selphie said, putting the comic on Zell's bunk. "I'll bet we could use the GFs to give us, like, super-strength, or speed, or whatever, right?" 

"Sure, but won't every around the Garden just know it's us showing off?" 

Selphie thought for a moment. "Okay, but what if we go somewhere else, like Deling City? And we'd wear costumes too, of course." 

"All right!" said Zell, warming up to the idea. "Wait. We can't just leave, can we?" 

Selphie grinned. "Don't worry, we'll ask Squall for some time off. We may just have to trick him." 

The two cornered Squall in the quad mere moments later. "Like, is it okay if Zell and I take some time off, Squall?" Selphie was giving the leader of Garden one of her most pitiful looks. "It's really important, and we haven't taken a vacation since we, y'know, saved the timeline and all..." 

"Okay, whatever," Squall answered, not taking his eyes off the latest issue of _Timber Maniacs_. 

"It's really important," Zell repeated, flustered. "We really, really need a break, and...I don't care what you say! We're taking the time off, and that's that!" 

"I said it was okay," Squall said with irritation. "I don't really want to know the details of your little...romantic getaway or whatever you guys are planning. God, can't you just leave me out of it? Next time, just take off without telling me, all right?" 

Zell's voice jumped about two octaves. "What??!! Ummmmmm, we're not..." 

"Looks like you caught us, Squall," Selphie jumped in, grabbing Zell by the arm and dragging him toward the door. "Another couple of days and we just wouldn't be able to stand it anymore. Zell and I would be all over each other in the hallways, the cafeteria, the classrooms, everywhere, and Hyne knows nobody wants to see that." 

"Damn straight," Squall said as they walked away. 

"We aren't really...?" Zell began, but Selphie had already collapsed in a fit of helpless laughter. "Hey," he said. "It's not THAT funny." 

Zell and Selphie took the train from Balamb to Deling City the next day. Thanks to their connections at Galbadia Garden, the two were able to find a loft apartment easily. Neither one really needed jobs, thanks to their SeeD back pay, which easily totaled over a hundred thousand Gil each, so they had plenty of time to devote to creating their super-hero identities and powers. 

Everyone knew that the quintessential power of a hero was the power of flight. Unfotunately, neither Zell nor Selphie knew any magic spell for flight. After a quick phone consultation with Doctor Odine, they discovered that twenty Float spells would refine into a Fly spell. Many a Thrustaevis lost its life as Zell and Selphie tried to acquire enough para-magic potential to retain their powers of flight. 

Their Guardian Forces would take care of the retinue of super-abilities, so the only other concern for the two was their costumes. Zell's costume was a very low-maintenance, simple affair, but he was pleased with it. He took his old white-and-green football helmet, ripped off the facemask, and wore a yellow jumpsuite with the letter "Z" painted in green on the front. Fortunately, the helmet covered most of his tattoo, and he used a pair of dark goggles to complete the picture. As Zell was donning his costume for the first time, he noticed a hurried press conference on television. 

"...and Deling City police chief Richard Nickson will be reading a statement now," said the announcer. 

A tall, heavy-jowled man approached the podium. He had dark hair, a prominent nose, and what seemed like perpetually thick five o'clock shadow. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "the Deling City Police Department wants to assure all citizens that the string of bank robberies the city is suffering will end. The department has things currently in hand---" 

"Can you tell us when an arrest will be made?" a reporter asked. 

Nickson coughed softly. "Let me make one thing _perfectly_ clear: these criminals WILL be brought to justice in a timely manner as soon as---" 

"Hey," Zell called to Selphie, who was changing in the bathroom. "Didn't this guy used to be President or something? You know, before Deling took over?" 

"Ta-da!" Selphie sang, popping out of the bathroom. "Whaddaya think, Zell?" 

If there was one thing Zell could say about Selphie's outfit, it was that it was tight. And it sure was tight. Boy, was it tight. 

"T..tight," Zell said. 

Basically, Selphie's costume was comprised of a purple halter-top and mini-skirt. There was also a pink cape, as well as matching purple gloves and boots. And it was tight. Very tight. She was also wearing a matching purple mask, which was also tight but not nearly as attention-grabbing as other parts of her ensemble. "I thought it might be...distracting," she said. 

"Yeah," Zell agreed. "If Fujin could saw me looking at you like this she'd probably have to beat me up---again!" 

"Of course, it wouldn't hurt, with your nigh-invulnerability," Selphie added. 

"That's true," said Zell. "I love my GFs." 

"Your costume isn't bad either," Selphie said, "but what's the 'Z' for?" 

"Zell," said Zell. "Oh, wait..." 

"Yeah," agreed Selphie. "That's not going to work, is it?" 

"Don't worry. I'll think of something. But what do we do now?" Zell averted his eyes as Selphie bent over and rummaged through her backpack. 

"Easy," she said, brandishing a police radio. "We just listen to this, and when a big crime happens..." 

As it happened, it was only a few hours before a big crime in fact, happened. The Fourth National Bank of Galbadia was being robbed, no doubt by the same culprits that had robbed the First, Second, and Third National Banks (the Deling PD robbery/homicide department was still having trouble finding a pattern). 

"Nobody move!" demanded one of the masked assailants, holding his semi-automatic weapon up in the air. Two of his compatriots dashed out of the safe, carrying sacks of Gil in each hand. "Let's go!" 

The four bank robber had exited the building, when, unexpectedly, their getaway car began levitating right in front of them. No, it wasn't levitating, it was---being lifted?? By a person? 

"Your reign of terror is over, villains!" said the man, who was garbed in a goofy yellow jumpsuit and a football helmet. 

"What the...?" one of the robbers said. The four men fell back, firing their weapons randomly at the newcomer. 

"Whoa," he said, losing his grip on the car. It flew sideways and into a lamppost on the other side of the street. 

"Don't you know better than to play with guns?" asked a new voice, a female voice. Suddenly, a thin teenage girl in her underwear leapt into the fray, snatching one of the guns away from the robbers. "You could get hurt," she admonished them, rapping the nearest bandit on the head with the butt of the gun. He flopped down to the sidewalk. 

"I think you hit him too hard," said the guy, who was wearing a pair of black goggles. He swept behind two robbers and bonked their heads together, knocking them unconscious. 

"How 'bout THIS for too hard?" said the girl, who punched the remaining offender in the jaw. He flew backwards, his upward momentum stopped by the concrete wall of the bank. 

It was at this moment that the police arrived, sirens blaring. As the Deling City officers emerged from their vehicles, the guy in the helmet said dramatically, "Don't worry, officers of the law, for as of this moment, this city is under the protection of Captain Zoom!" He saluted them proudly with his right hand, his left pointing at the painted green "Z" on his chest. 

"...and Rocket Gal!" said the girl, giving the police a thumbs-up and winking at them. 

Before the police could even react to this, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal jumped into the air and sped away, flying into the horizon. In later days, some of the bystanders and onlookers would swear that they heard, as the duo flew away, a shout of "Get Snarfy!", but no one could quite say what that meant. 

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Whaddaya think? Let me know with a review! Also, if you still haven't gotten enough of your FF8 fix, check out my earlier stories, including, "A Christmas Shave," and "My Friend Zell!" They're all on my author page. To be continued, by the way, in case it wasn't implied.

* * *

RETURN _


	2. Two

  


I Need A Hero  
Part Two 

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

_"Hey, caller, you're live on Galbadian Broadcast Radio with Howard Storm. Whaddaya got?" _

"Yeah, Howie, I wanna say those two super-freaks need to get the heck out of our town!" 

"All right, that's enough of that. We've got Tricia on Line Three. Tricia, what are you wearing right now?" 

"Oooh, just my underwear, Howard, and if Captain Zoom's listening, he can come on over and help me take it off!" 

"Hey!" Zell yelled accusingly as Selphie whacked him on the back of the head. 

"You were thinking about it," she said knowingly. 

Zell rubbed his head in silence. Obviously there would be no benefit in telling her he'd been mere seconds from opening the car door and flying off to search Deling City windows randomly for Tricia. 

_"Next up, it's Watts on Line One. Watts?" _

"Yes, sir, thank you very much, sir. I believe the city should get behind these two paragons of justice and support them to our fullest---" 

"BOO-RING! Line Four?" 

"I don't know about you, Howard, but I'm ready to 'get snarfy' with Rocket Gal ALL NIGHT LONG, if you know what I mean." 

"Just gotta tell ya, buddy, I totally agree. That hotbox can test MY mike anytime. Next up, we've got Richard on Line Three, and he doesn't like Captain Zoom or Rocket Gal. What's your beef, Richard?" 

"This is Police Chief Richard Nickson, and I'd like to make one thing...perfectly_ clear...these two 'heroes' are obviously just a couple of teenagers with self-esteem problems who are acting out---" _

"Hey, that's a great impression. Who is this?" 

"This is Deling City Police Chief Richard Nickson." 

"No, come on, who are you really?" 

"This is really Richard Nickson." 

"All right, buddy, we don't have room for losers who are too scared to tell us their real names. Good-bye, chump." 

"Wait, I'm really---" CLICK. 

"I don't have to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that morons have no place here with Howard Storm. Coming up next on GBR, we'll talk about..." 

"What an idiot," Zell said, turning off the radio just after the caller had been disconnected. "You don't think that was really Nickson, do you?" 

"Booyaka!" said Selphie noncommitally. "Hey, I'm the hottest thing since...um, since...something really popular." 

Zell made his laugh sound like a grunt of agreement as the car pulled to a stop and Selphie engaged the parking brake. Both SeeDs emerged from the vehicle, Zell reaching into the backseat to fetch the sack of groceries they'd gotten down in the shopping district and his duffel bag. As the two walked upstairs, Zell couldn't keep his mind of how it'd feel to just FLY up to his window to let himself into the apartment. Of course, he couldn't---then the whole neighborhood would know he was secretly Captain Zoom, but that didn't stop him from wanting to do it. 

Selphie closed the door and locked the deadbolt as they both entered. Zell plopped the grocery bag on the kitchen counter and flipped on the police radio. "This's gonna be _awesome_. You'll love Ma's 'Dincht Seafood Delight.' Everyone back in Balamb's always asking her for the recipe, but I'm the only other one who knows." 

"Like, I'm waiting with baited breath," Selphie said, removing her jacket and leaping into the air. She flew upwards, turning herself completely upside down, then placed her feet on the incredibly high ceiling of the loft apartment, walking back and forth on the fragile ceiling tiles. She held her hand "up" and released the dark jacket, where it fluttered loosely to the hardwood floor. 

"You really shouldn't be doing that," Zell admonished her, stirring the first ingredients for his mother's chowder together, "what if someone was looking through the window? Our secret identities would be blown." 

"You're just grumpy because you get sick whenever you do this." 

Zell said nothing, as he was focusing his attention solely on the job of cooking. 

Suddenly a warning blared across the police band. "Attention all units, we have a 217 in progress at 50th and Broadway. I repeat, a 217 in progress..." 

"217?" echoed Zell, checking the handy chart Selphie had posted on the side of the refrigerator. "That's a robbery at a...teddy bear factory?" 

"No," said Selphie, "it's a jewelry store! Check again." 

Zell looked once more. "Right. The teddy bear thing's a 218." Zell used his super-speed to zip his half-finished meal into the icebox, then rushed to his duffel bag and moving as a blur, threw on his costume. 

Selphie, meanwhile, returned to the floor and removed the gloves and mask from her coat pockets. Seeing as how she was already _wearing_ most of her costume, she shed her dress, tied on the mask, slipped on the gloves, and was ready for action. She looked at Zell. "Looks like it's time to..." 

"**GET SNARFY!**" the two said in unison before high-fiving one another in mid-air. 

The job was simple: get the jewels and get out before the cops could show up. And for this particular gang, most of the gig went as planned. The jewels had been gotten, the cops hadn't shown up, and none of their faces had been caught on camera. Now they were escaping via the roof of the store. 

"C'mon, Paperclip," urged Pencil, holding a sack of stolen goods in one hand and his partner's outstretched fingers in the other. "We've gotta get outta here quick." 

"I know," Paperclip said, climbing onto the jewelry shop's roof. "I was waiting for Desklamp to stop lollygagging around." 

"Hey," protested Desklamp, "it's hard to maneuver in this costume!" 

"It _is_ a stupid costume," agreed Tape, replete in his tape-dispenser outfit. 

"Shut up, all of you," ordered Stapler, last to emerge from the now-empty store. "It's time for us to split." 

It was at this point that Deling City's two most steadfast heroes arrived on the scene. "It's never time for crime!" proclaimed Captain Zoom, landing gracefully on the rooftop. 

"Let's run these thieves off before the Fashion Police show up," suggested Rocket Gal, landing beside her cohort in crimefighting. 

"Hey!" cried Paperclip 

"Now ya shouldn'ta done it," warned Tape, as the robbers fell into step beside him. "Roll call!" 

"Pencil!" 

"Desklamp!" 

"Paperclip!" 

"Tape!" 

"Stapler!" continuing on, Stapler said, "Watch out heroes, for you have incurred the wrath of..." 

"The Desk Top Five!" said the villains in unison. 

"You've got to be kidding me," Rocket Gal said, punching Tape in the gut before the Desk Top Five could even break formation. Unfortunately, Tape's tape armor stuck to her gloved fist, until she pounded him flat against the rooftop, peeling her hand gently off him and ripping off quite a bit of tape in the process. 

"Hey!" cried Tape. "I think you ripped off all my chest hair!" 

Captain Zoom, meanwhile, was taking on the fearsome Desklamp. "Surrender, evildoer!" 

"You'd better watch it," Desklamp warned. "I have powers." 

"Oh, yeah?" 

"Yeah!" Desklamp reached up to the chain hanging just to the side of his head. As he tugged on it, a small light went on in the lampshade part of his costume. 

Captain Zoom tensed for a moment. Then another. Then one more. "That's it?" He grabbed Desklamp and threw him into a nearby chimney. 

Paperclip approached Rocket Gal from the side, both hands behind his back. "Aha!" he shouted, bringing both hands violently forward. "With my razor sharp paperclips, I can easily---yumph!" Rocket Gal had kicked Paperclip in the kidney while he was making his speech. 

Only two left, now. Stapler approached Captain Zoom, then banged himself in the chest. The yellow-clad champion had only a second to dodge a giant staple. Leaping to the side, Captain Zoom pointed his fist at the metallic villain and fired a force blast at him. While Stapler was was dazed, the helmeted hero punched the robber twice, knocking him to the rooftop. 

Meanwhile, Pencil was attempting to poke Rocket Gal with the sharpened tip of his costume. 

"Like, I don't suppose you're compensating for something?" The slender powerhouse grabbed the long, stiff shaft by its tip and floating gently above the rooftop, slammed Pencil over and over into the bricks of the building. 

Sirens blared in the background. Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal rounded up the villains and flew them gently down to the ground level. As the police arrived, the two assumed their respective "salute" positions, then flew off, saying nothing. 

"What do you think, Lieutenant?" asked one of the officers. 

"Looks like they've done it again," said the lieutenant.

* * *


	3. Three

  


I Need A Hero  
Part Three 

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

Captain Zoom looked down proudly upon his protectorate, Deling City. Or at least, that was what he thought he was doing. To Rocket Gal, it looked more like he was trying to emulate a flamingo on top of the Great Archway, posing goofily with one leg tucked behind the other, pointing at nothing with his gloved hand. No doubt he considered his posture both striking and heroic. It was certainly striking, but it struck Rocket Gal as ridiculous more than anything else. 

She herself was just sitting on the Archway, dangling her legs over into the empty air. Her hair and her short purple cape fluttered in the strong, cool wind. Why hadn't she designed a warmer costume for herself, anyway? Ah, well. She could always just junction some ice magic to herself and remove any uncomfortable feeling of cold whatsoever. 

"Hey, Rocket Gal," called Captain Zoom. It was actually a little hard to hear him in the near-gale force winds. 

"What?" 

"Aren't you getting cold?" He looked suggestively at her revealing costume. 

"Shut up." It made Rocket Gal even more irritable that Captain Zoom was sharing her thoughts. Because he was a doofus, of course. And doofuses shouldn't have the same thoughts as pretty girls. "Are you ready to go home yet? We won't be able to tell if something happens from up here." 

"Yeah, but it looks cool," said Captain Zoom, cracking his knuckles. "Besides, we may not be able to hear the police radio here, but we shouldn't be relying on it too much, anyway. Up here, atop the Great Archway, we can use our finely honed superhero-senses to detect any wrongdoing or disasters in the city." 

Rocket Gal tried not to let him see her laughing, covering her mouth and pretending to cough. She pushed off the Archway, sinking a few yards before regaining control of her descent and floating upward. "I don't think it's that simple," she said as she turned herself upside down and mimed bicycling in front of Captain Zoom, who, incidentally, wasn't as good at flying as she was. "It's not like we'll be sitting here and someone will just yell---" 

"Help!" someone yelled in the distance. 

Rocket Gal stared daggers at Captain Zoom. "Don't say anything," she warned. 

The two heroes flew gracefully in the direction of the call, swooping in, out, and around Deling City structures, finally arriving at a big, burning building. A fire. That figured. Rocket Gal mentally re-arranged her powers so that the fire wouldn't be able to hurt her, hoping that Captain Zoom had the foresight to do the same. Rocket Gal flew into a second floor window, scanning the floor for any trapped victims. No one seemed to be there, but she checked around the nooks and corners just to be certain, then bounded upward, breaking through the ceiling and floorboards of the next level. 

As Rocket Gal dusted herself off, she thought she caught a glimpse of someone trapped behind the flames. She walked through the fearlessly, and, indeed, as they touched her, she felt no more than a cool breeze. A young boy stood hanging himself out of the window, calling for help. Perhaps this was who she and Captain Zoom had heard earlier. No matter, as they would save them all. Rocket Gal proceeded to do just that, lifting the boy in her arms and flying him to the street below. She could heard the sirens of the fire department crying in the distance, but it looked like they weren't going to get here in time. 

"Did you get everyone?" Captain Zoom asked, setting down an older woman on the pavement. 

"I don't know for sure," she told him. "Maybe we could use our...um, powers?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Well, I'm completely out of water magic, Captain Zoom..." 

Captain Zoom scratched his helmet in thought. "Oh. I see. I think I have one 'power' that will just do the trick." Captain Zoom levitated to about the halfway point of the building and, holding his hands over his head, released the para-magic contained within him. A fist-sized globe of water appeared between Captain Zoom's hands, growing and pulsating as he spread his fingers further apart. Captain Zoom sent the enormous ball of water hovering over the building, then, apparently releasing his concentration, sent it flowing over the building's roof. The water sluiced down through the cracks and crevices in the building's frame, extinguising the flames. 

Those who had been saved and those who had already escaped the building let out scattered cheers for the heroes. Rocket Gal held out her daintily-gloved hand slapped Captain Zoom five. "Anybody still in there?!" she called, but no one answered. 

The fire trucks finally drove up, screeching to a halt. Three firemen hopped off the truck, staring in confusion as they beheld the no-longer burning building. "What happened?" one of them asked. 

Rocket Gal groaned inwardly. Trust civil servants to give Captain Zoom a chance to spout off his inane heroic prattle. "The flames of evil cannot withstand..." Uh-oh. Captain Zoom was faltering. 

"..our watery brand of justice!" Rocket Gal finished for him. That was a little weak, but the little tingle she felt run up her spine gave her a small hint of why Captain Zoom constantly felt the need to say such useless things. While she was at it, she wished she could find some form of heroic pose that didn't involve her prominently displaying her rump. But there were so many that did! Alas. 

"Thanks," said the fire captain, tipping his yellow hat to the two. "If you guys keep this up, we'll be out of a job." 

"That's nonsense, my dear captain," said Captain Zoom. "There will always be a call for Deling City's finest. And now, we're off!" Why didn't _she_ ever get to say that? Oh, well. 

As she and Captain Zoom sped off, Rocket Gal managed to call out, "Get snarfy!" really quick before Captain Zoom got a chance to. Wouldn't that put a bee in his bonnet. Hee hee! 

"Selphie!" Captain Zoom scolded her. 

Zell flipped on the television as the returned to the apartment the next morning. "Check this out," he said, pointing to the screen, "Geraldo Jones is interviewing that Richard Nickson guy about us." 

"That guy is such a dweeb," Selphie said, tossing her mask into the corner. "He's just going to be badmouthing us, you know." 

"Yeah," said Zell with excitement, "but _they're talking about us on TV_! That's so cool!" he removed his radiation suit and plopped down on the sofa. 

On the screen, Geraldo Jones was introducing Deling City Police Chief Richard Nickson, who entered the studio and sat down with no ovation from the crowd whatsoever. He sat down after waving to the studio audience and blowing them a couple of kisses. As always, even on television, Nickson's thick eyebrows and heavy five o'clock shadow dominated his on-screen visage. 

"Now, Mister Nickson," said Geraldo in clipped tones, "why exactly do you think that Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal, Deling City's beloved heroes, are an untrustworthy menace?" 

"An untrustworthy and _dangerous_ menace, Geraldo," Nixon said in his distinctively rumbly voice. "Their criminal activities make my supposed 'involvement' with the break in at the Leviathangate office building look like kid's games." 

"Well, Mister Nickson, I don't think we need to re-visit the scandal that cost you your Presidency, but---" 

"Absolutely right, Geraldo," Nickson interrupted. "Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal are just using their 'heroic' activities as a cover for their illicit gains." Nickson brought out a chart. "I can show you here that crime has risen over eighty percent since they first appeared in Galbadia, and, as you can see, super-criminal activity has increased over three hundred percent since then." 

"Yes, yes," Geraldo said impatiently, "but isn't it possible that these events could be unrelated?" 

Nickson laughed horribly. "That's just what they want you to think! I'll bet that these so-called 'do-gooders' are in fact, profiting from more than half of the crimes they stop! My police reports indicate that in several of the robberies they supposedly prevented, half or more of the stolen goods or money was never returned to the business owners!" 

"I think you may be inflating your facts, sir---" 

"I haven't even started to inflate my facts!" Nickson bellowed, then realized what he had said. "What I mean is," he continued calmly, "I'm not exaggerating at all. As I've said before, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal are clearly some kids who are play-acting their fantasies---" 

Geraldo broke in. "What about their super-powers? How can you doubt those!?" 

"You wanna see super-powers, Geraldo?! I'll show you super-powers!!" With this, Nickson began bouncing off the studio walls and furniture, hollering "I've got super-powers! Woo-wee! Yee-haa! If only Checkers could see me now!" 

Selphie clicked off the television. "That's enough of that. What's that guy's problem, anyway?" 

"That's bogus, man," Zell griped, stirring around in the couch. "We gotta do something about that Nickson guy, and fast!" 

Selphie thought about that for a moment. "I've got an idea," she said with an evil grin. "This is what we do..."

* * *


	4. Four

  


I Need a Hero  
Part Four 

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

Deling City Chief of Police Richard Nickson unlocked the door on Police Headquarters as the sun began to gently peek over the buildings of his beloved metropolis. He was always the first one in every morning, something in which he took much pride. Nickson flicked on the flourescent lights and walked straight up to his office, where he opened his briefcase and took out the important documents of the day. Then, Nickson strode purposefully to the break room, where he measured out the appropriate amount of coffee grounds (two and a half scoops) into the coffee maker, drew exactly 10.5 cups of cold, clear water from the faucet, poured that water into the reservoir, and switched on the coffee pot. 

"Ahhh," he said contently as he took a brisk stroll around the office, waiting for the coffee to finish. Those slackers that worked for him wouldn't even be here for another hour! Bunch of hippies. They needed to figure out just how committed they were to this city's police force, and fast, or he'd have to give 'em the ax. 

He'd like to see that loser Logan put in half as much effort and determination into his work as he, Nickson, did. That layabout was probably still at home, having breakfast with his family or something stupid like that. He remembered Logan saying something about last night being his tenth wedding anniversary or something of that sort. Nickson harrumphed as he thought of the impropriety. Logan had probably spent the entire evening having sexual relations with his wife! 

"Nothing like that happens in _Richard Nickson's_ house," Nickson said proudly to himself. 

Nickson had been doing paperwork in his office for almost forty-five minutes when those lazy bastards who worked for him finally started arriving. 

"Morning, Dick," said Captain Ronald R. Logan as he entered the Chief's office. 

"I told you not to call me that," Nickson admonished him. He took a sip of his coffee. 

"Sorry," said Logan. "Look, don't you think it's time you eased up on Captain Zoom and---" 

"Let me make one thing..._perfectly_ clear," Nickson said, pounding his fist on the desk, "those two punk kids oughta be strung up! Or at least, their parents should. That's the problem with Galbadia today. If I was still President---" 

"Now, Dick," Logan protested, "you know a lotta kids don't have parents these days, thanks to that little war in Esthar that YOUR administration started, truth be known..." 

"That war was perfectly just!" Nickson shouted. "All I wanted was for that damn Sorceress to back off our missile testing sites, and---" 

"We don't need to argue about this right now," Logan said. "I just wanted to tell you that those two 'punk kids' that you hate so much? Don't look now, but I think they're trying to win you over." 

Nickson growled, waving his adjutant away. As the door slammed, Nickson scratched at his five o'clock shadow (yes, even in the morning, right after he'd shaved, he had five o'clock shadow) and got back to work. 

"Hello!" came a muffled voice. Nickson ignored it, figured it was one of those sons of bitches who worked for him greeting another one. 

Nickson had successfully ignored three "hellos" when a knock came at his third-floor window. "Goddamn pigeons," he said, and continued his paperwork. Another, more urgent pounding followed. After a few minutes of this, Nickson finally turned his attention to the window. "**_What is it?!!_**" he screamed. 

That damned Captain Zoom was there, and his little floozy too. Zoom jumped back, apparently scared a bit of Nickson despite all his incredible super-powers. That was a joke. "Well," said Nickson impatiently, "what do you want?!" 

"Um, we just wanted you to know that we're on the side of justice and order and whatnot," said the girl. God, she needed to put on some clothes. Like a parka or something. A costume like that only meant one thing---that she was a cheap tramp and was giving it away for free. 

"If you're all so goody-goody, then why do you wear masks?" Nickson asked them. "Well?" 

There was silence for a moment, then that idiot Captain Zoom said, "Uh...because it's cool?" 

Nickson snorted. "You kids represent everything that's wrong with Galbadia today. I swear, if I was in the Brick House right now, I'd show you...hey, hey! What are you doing?!" This last was uttered as Captain Zoom reached in through the window and, gripping Nickson firmly by the shoulders, began flying him out over the city. 

They finally placed him on top of the Great Archway, then turned him around. "Oh, Christine," Nickson swore (Christine being the only daughter of the Great Hyne and the reason for the celebration of Christmas) as he saw what the two had planned for him. 

A large, white banner was hanging in place over the police HQ, with a great big portrait of Nickson in his Presidential days upon it. Over it read the words "We love you, Police Chief Richard Nickson. Please give us a chance, signed Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal." On the sides of Nickson's face were two smaller drawings of Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal. 

"This has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever---" Nickson's tirade was cut off by a bevy of sirens, police cars rushing to an accident. 

"Get Snarfy, Mister Ex-President," said Captain Zoom as he and Rocket Gal flew off to the rescue. 

"Hey!" Nickson shouted. "Get back here!" When no one responded, he said, "I ORDER you to get me off of this Archway!"

* * *

"Ha ha ha!" screamed the super-powered villain as he glided down the Deling City Avenue. "No one can defeat Tarpaulin Man!" Tarpaulin Man's magic tarp fluttered behind him has he hauled his ill-gotten gains back to his secret evil headquarters. 

"Not so fast, jack," came a voice from behind his ear. "Theft is illegal in Deling City." 

"The name's not 'Jack,' it's 'Tarpaulin Man!'" said Tarpaulin Man indignantly. "And my magic tarp will---uulllh!" 

Tarpaulin Man was cut off by Rocket Gal wrapping his magic tarp around his mouth. The erstwhile villain was choked while his "magic" tarp sputtered out and left him hanging in Captain Zoom's grasp. The two heroes quickly dropped off the robber at Police Headquarters, where Nickson's face was still smiling proudly from above. 

"Thanks, you two," said Captain Logan as he took Tarpaulin Man into custody. "This must have been one of your most challenging escapades yet." 

"Not really," said Captain Zoom. 

"Yeah," agreed Rocket Gal, "this guy's power was so stupid I wonder why he even bothered. 'Tarpaulin Man.' Talk about your classically lame super-hero ideas..." 

Everyone was silent for a moment. 

"Okay, well, at least everything turned out all right in the end," said Captain Zoom. 

"I don't know," Rocket Gal said. "I thnk we've forgotten something." 

Police Chief Richard Nickson jumped up and down on top of the Great Archway. "You rotten punk kids!" he shouted. "I'll get you for this! I swear!!!!" Nickson continued to holler and swear, until he noticed a strange, glowing blue light to his right. "What?..." 

"_I am the Guardian Force 'Kerwin,'" said a strange, disembodied voice, "and I am here to serve you in your quest." _

"That's _wonderful_!" said Nickson, cackling evilly. "Now those two are going to get it! A-hahhahah-ahah!"

* * *

RETURN 


	5. Five

  


I Need A Hero  
Part Five

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

"Hey, Selphie," said Zell, relaxing on the wide sofa in their train compartment. "Remind me why we have to go to Galbadia Garden again?" 

"Because when I called Squall, he told me he couldn't mail our paychecks to us," Selphie said, sitting on the floor of the compartment, reading _Go! Go! Galbadia Girls_ magazine. Contrary to what one might have guessed, it was a periodical concerning web page design. "Something about the only way he could figure out to pay us while we were technically on vacation was to say we'd been temporarily transferred the other Garden." 

"That's stupid," Zell said, settling grumpily into his seat. "He probably just doesn't want to know where we are or what we're really doing." 

"Probably," Selphie answered, absorbed in her magazine. 

"Jeez, we should've just flyed over to Galbadia Garden! It would have taken a lot less time." 

"Mmm-hmm," agreed Selphie. "Except then everyone might have been wondering what Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal were doing going to Galbadia Garden." 

Zell fell silent, punching the train's floor lightly, not nearly hard enough to jostle the entire car as he was usually wont to do. "I just hope no evil supervillain tries to destroy the city or anything while we're gone..." 

**_---Meanwhile, in the darkest depths of Deling City's Depression Slums..._**

Cowboy Werewolf rubbed his hands together. Soon enough, his plans to take over Deling City would be coming to fruition! His gangs and evil underlings would put his master plan into motion, and he would rule the city with an iron fist. 

"Sir," said one of the Wolf Pack, rushing into the room. "There's something you should see on the news..." Members of the Wolf Pack, unlike Cowboy Werewolf himself, merely wore masks that were representations of a werewolf's face. They lacked his superior wolflike powers. 

"Turn it on," Cowboy Werewolf ordered. 

The flunky flipped on the television, and a news announcer's voice began, "_...foiled by the city's newest superhero, our own Police Chief Richard Nickson! Hard to believe, isn't it, Jim?_" 

"_It sure is, Margie. By reports, Nickson has demanded he be called 'Super President' due to his one term as President of Galbadia over twenty years ago. Basically, there isn't much that's distinctive about his costume, as it's just a simple business suit, except, of course, for his red mask. It obviously does no good to hide his identity, as everyone already knows who he is to begin with!_" 

"Nickson!" roared Cowboy Werewolf in disbelief. "That's a laugh. I wasn't even born when he was President, and even I was amazed at just how crooked he was. I wonder what his angle is..." He let his voice trail off. "It doesn't matter, I suppose, as long as he doesn't interfere with our evil schemes!" 

"What if he does?" asked the Wolf Pack member. 

"If he does," said Cowboy Werewolf, punching a car that happened to conveniently be nearby with his clawed fist, sending the car hurling across the alleyway, "we'll have him...liquidated." He laughed, the laughter sending ripples through his silver grey fur. The Wolf Pack member joined him in his evil, dark, malevolent chortling. 

"You're so evil, Cowboy Werewolf," said the underling. 

**_---Later, back on the train to Galbadia Garden..._**

"What was that?" asked Selphie as the train jolted, and seemed to be increasing in speed. 

"I don't know," said Zell, leaping off the sofa. "Maybe we should check it out." 

The two dashed out of their compartment, asking several passengers what was going on. None of them seemed to know, but when they encountered the conductor... 

"The train's speeding out of control!" he whispered quietly. "And we've radioed ahead! The bridge in front of Galbadia Gorge is out! What are we going to do?..." 

"Don't worry, citizen," Zell said proudly, "because---ulp!" 

"I'm sure someone will think of something," Selphie said, taking her elbow out of Zell's stomach and dragging him back to their cabin. "Don't say stuff like that when you're out of uniform!" she scolded. 

Just minutes later, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal were flying alongside the train. "So much for us keeping a low profile, eh, Rocket Gal?" 

"Right, Captain Zoom," said Rocket Gal as the two flew up to the front of the train. 

The engineer was happy to see them. "Captain Zoom! Rocket Gal! You're here just in time! The throttle's gone out of control! I can't slow her down! And look!" He pointed. The collapsed bridge was just ahead! 

With no time to spare, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal used their super-strength to heft the train over the bridge. The two heroes tried to let it down easily, but failed, as the train's spinning wheels crunched down onto the tracks. The two flew back to the engineer's compartment. 

"Let me see that, citizen," said Captain Zoom, grasping the throttle and attempting to pull it back to its normal position. After experiencing some difficulty, Deling City's champion jerked back on it, snapping the lever in half. 

"Great job, Captain Zoom," said Rocket Gal sarcastically. "Now what?" 

"We'll have to disconnect the train from the engine," he said. Rocket Gal flew the engineer back to the second train car, then she and Captain Zoom broke the connection between the two. The two heroes kept up with the speeding engine as the rest of the train fell back, gripping its sides and lifting it again. This time, they turned the train over on its side, leaving the wheels still spinning but since they were only touching air, the train car was immobile. 

"Whew!" said Selphie later as the two emerged from their compartment. "Looks like Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal saved the day again!" 

"Yes we--I mean, they sure did, Selphie," Zell said, his voice a bit forced. Then his face fell. "I just know someone's plotting evil somewhere. I can just sense it." 

_WILL COWBOY WEREWOLF'S PLAN COME TO FRUITION? WILL CAPTAIN ZOOM AND ROCKET GAL BE ABLE TO STOP HIM? AND WHAT DOES POLICE CHIEF RICHARD NICKSON REALLY WANT WITH HIS NEW SUPERPOWERS? FIND OUT ALL THESE AND MORE IN OUR NEXT EXCITING EPISODE!_

* * *


	6. Six

  


I Need A Hero 

  
  
Part 6

* * *

The string of bank robberies which had plagued Deling City throughout the past months was over, but by no means was the criminal element diminished in Galbadia's capital city. In fact, quite the opposite was true; crime, especially crime involving so-called "super-villians" seemed to be on the increase. While Deling City had two stalwart costumed protectors to defend it (three, some would have said), a pall still hung over the city's inhabitants, as each wondered if today was the day their respective places of business would be attacked. 

For the employees of Mary Todd Lincoln Cupcakes and Fruit Pies, today was that day. However, later, most of the bakery workers would admit, they had no idea how profitable robbing their workplace would have been, even if the attempt had been successful. 

The assembly line staffers were the first to experience the robbery, although within minutes, everyone in the factory, from Carl the mailcart pusher, to Jenny, secretary for the president of the company, to Mr. Jenkins, the president of the company himself, was well aware of it. 

This particular morning, the assembly line was proceeding well as could be expected; cupcakes were getting filled with their non-dairy cream filling, and fruit pies were getting filled with their three-percent-natural pie goodness. The most distinguishing point between this and many other morning was the shattering of the southern wall of the Lincoln Cupcakes and Fruit Pies factory. As the dust from the rubble cleared, a laughing, masked man could be seen. He was dressed in what appeared to be ancient bamboo armor, and he carried a long, slender sword in his left hand. His head was obscured by a triangular hat which had two long, furry ears extending straight up from it. His face was by a dark mask which left only his eyes exposed. 

"Hands up, everyone!" he ordered, swinging his sword ominously. "Bunny Samurai is taking over this cupcake factory." 

All of Lincoln's employees were stunned silent, except for one, who raised his hand hesitantly. "Um, excuse me?" 

"Yes, what is it?" said Bunny Samurai in irritation. 

"Well, um, we make cupcakes AND fruit pies here," the employee explained. 

Bunny Samurai groaned. "_Very well_. I'm taking over this cupcake _and fruit pie_ factory." He struck a villainous pose. 

Another assembly line worker raised her hand. "Why do you want to take over this place, anyway? All we have here is half-finished cookies, cupcakes, and fruit pies." 

"Actually, we have a few finished ones, too," said another employee. 

"Oh, yeah," said the woman who had brought up the point. "I forgot about those. How about the---" 

"Everyone shut up!" ordered Bunny Samurai. Then, he said thoughtfully, "You know, I figured there would be a safe or something in here. I mean, you guys have to do business, take orders, buy supplies, and et cetera, right?" 

"Don't ask us," said the first man who had spoken to him. "We just work here." 

Bunny Samurai straightened up, pointing his sword at the man. "Okay, how about this? If we can't find any money, just give me that pallet of Twinkles over there. I love the cream filling. That was this operation won't be a total bust." 

"You're under arrest, you dirty, rotten criminal!" shouted a harsh voice. A totally new figure flew in shakily through the hole in the wall. He was clearly very bad at flying, since he bobbed up and down, flying slowly as if he were suspended from wires, but obviously that was not the case, as none were visible. He wore a simple black business suit and blue-and-yellow striped power tie. Essentially, he looked like most other men would, but his famous face was partially obscured by a red mask, which covered only the area around his eyes. 

"Hey!" called yet another Lincoln employee. "It's Police Chief Richard Nickson!" 

"That's 'Super President!'" the super-powered police chief and former President of Galbadia corrected. 

"Hey! It's Super President!" 

"That's better," Nickson, or rather, Super President, said. 

"Look," said Bunny Samurai, the rabbit ears on his helmet twitching, "I really don't have time for this. If you don't mind, I'd just like to steal the Twinkles and get out of here, huh?" He turned around, facing Super President, revealing that he also had a fluffy bunny tail on the back of his armor. 

"Says you, you lop-eared bastard!" With that, Nickson launched himself at the villain. Evidently, though, Nickson had miscalculated, and he ended up flying in a fairly random direction. Bunny Samurai swiftly took advantage of this, slicing at the erstwhile super-hero. The villain's sword shattered on impact with Super President's impervious hide, the pieces flying all over the factory. 

"My sword," said Bunny Samurai, looking at the aforementioned object in disbelief, "how did you...?" 

"Easy," Nickson said after crashing into the wall, landing hard on the ground, and standing up again. "I have super-powers!" Deling City's chief of police began dancing with glee across the factory, leaping onto tall machines and down onto the conveyor belts. "Look at me! Whee! I have super-powers!" The ex-President of Galbadia started laughing hysterically as he continued to display his superior athletic prowess. 

Bunny Samurai was taking this time to attempt a sneaky escape. As the villain tiptoed towards the hole he'd made in the wall, Super President again thrust himself at the rabbit-eared samurai. Unfortunately, while Nickson had not had much difficulty bounding around like a buffoon, he had quite a bit more trying to attack Bunny Samurai. The super-strong, super-agile police chief misjudged the distance between himself and the villain, which sent him zipping downards diagonally. He landed twelve feet in front of Bunny Samurai, then bounced like a rubber ball off of the concrete floor, rebounding upwards at a similar angle. This sent Super President zooming into the stratosphere, arms and legs flailing wildly. 

As the poorly-disguised Nickson was thrust into the air by the sheer bounciness, Bunny Samurai shrugged. Since he was now unopposed, he returned to the Lincoln Cupcake and Fruit Pie Factory and said, "Where were we, then? I guess I'll take some of those golden, delicious Twinkles---" 

"Not so fast, evildoer!" 

Bunny Samurai sighed. "Not _again_!..." He turned around, but it was not Super President he faced. No, it was a far more recognizable, far more fearsome duo of super-beings that faced him now. "Oh, no." 

"Oh, yes!" Rocket Gal said, her short pink cape fluttering the in the morning breeze. The purple-clad protagonist punched the samuraic villain in the gut, while her crusading cohort Captain Zoom lifted him over his head, twirled him around three times, then tossed him into the cream reservoir. Then, he and Rocket Gal used the cream hose, which was used to inject the cream filling into the Twinkles, to tie up Bunny Samurai. Both saluted the factory's employees as they flew Bunny Samurai off to prison. 

"Get snarfy!" all of the employees shouted in unison with their favorite heroes. 

**_---Meanwhile, in Deling City's Depression Slums..._**

Cowboy Werewolf looked on with pride as his ultimate malefic invention was carted into the warehouse. It was currently masked by several white bedsheets, the better to hide it from Deling's inept police force, but he knew that something powerfully destructive was contained within. "Remove the covering," Cowboy Werewolf ordered, scratching a little ithc that had begun on his wolflike snout. 

Two members of the Wolf Pack, wearing their comprehensive wolf masks, reached up and withdrew the canopy, revealing Cowboy Werewolf's secret weapon. It was a sort of vehicle, with a front cab compartment, like a truck's, but that was where the similarity ended. The back was full of stereo speakers, conical horns, and the occasional bell or whistle. 

"Let's test it out," said Cowboy Werewolf. "Turn on the switch, but just for a moment. Too much longer, and we might all go insane!" 

A Wolf Pack tough hopped into the cab of the vehicle and flipped a switch on the control panel. For the split-second the device was activated, a loud, ear-shattering "honk" was heard, followed by another noise that defied description. As the switch was turned off, the Wolf Pack and their leader removed the hands from their ears. 

"Soon," Cowboy Werewolf said with an evil longing. "Soon we will rule Deling City, and those pitiful losers, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal, will be kneeling at my feet!" He started laughing evilly, and the Wolf Pack joined in as well. After a couple of moments of maniacal laughter, Cowboy Werewolf noticed that all the voices joining in seemed to be male. "Jeez," he said, annoyed, "how come there's no girls in this freakin' group? What's up with that?!" 

One brave but stupid Wolf Pack recruit raised his hand. "Um, Cowboy Werewolf, wouldn't they be...I don't know, scared of ya, or sumpin'?" 

"Scared?" repeated Cowboy Werewolf incredulously. Using his wolflike super-strength, he lifted the offending underling up by the scruff of his shirt, tilting his cowboy hat back with his other hand to allow him a better-looking angry glare. "_**What so scary about me!!?!**_" he roared in the street punk's face, then tossed him aside, breaking three empty crates in the process. 

"It don't matter," said Cowboy Werewolf ominously. "Once we've beaten Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal, my arch-enemies, we'll have plenty of time to go cruising for chicks." He began laughing insanely again, although the other members of his gang were too stunned to join in this time. 

"You're so evil, Cowboy Werewolf," said the injured Wolf Pack member admiringly. 

**_---While at the same time, atop Deling City's Great Archway..._**

Deling City Police Chief Richard Nickson, or, as he preferred to be known, Super President, sat disconsolately atop Deling City's most prominent structure. Who did those kids think they were, messing up his rescue and collar like that? 

"Those little punks," Nickson said venomously. "I'll show them. Just you wait," he continued, as though he were speaking to them now instead of to himself, "you're going to pay. Don't think you won't pay." He shook his fist threateningly in the air. Somehow, he'd improve his GF's powers and destroy those two little hippies. 

Somehow... 

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so the Mary Todd Lincoln thing is a pun on another pastry company. Guess which one! (It's not Hostess. That would make no sense.) I realize this chapter was more dedicated to the villains....and Nickson, instead of to our two heroes. I'll try to focus on them more next time. As always, review to tell me what you liked and did not like. **

Also new from ADR this month: Check out "More Squall Harvey News" on my author page. If you haven't already read it, read the original "Squall Harvey News" first. For you Zell fans, there's always "My Friend Zell," and you could also check out "The All-New Final Fantasy 8 Adventures" if you're a mystery-lover. Not that kind of mystery, I mean the kind you might have watched on TV that involved a dog and a certain goateed, snack-loving guy named Shaggy... 

Anyway, any review you may happen to give would be appreciated, for this story or the others. Thank you.

* * *


	7. Seven

  


I Need A Hero 

  
  
Part Seven

* * *

Cowboy Werewolf, in his regular human form, looked around the hustling main Promenade of Deling City. People walked to and fro, going in and out of the various businesses located throughout the street, which circled around the entirety of Galbadia's capital. None of the passersby even thought to look twice at the incredibly handsome young man (in his own words) who stood leaning against a lamppost casually. They had no idea that in mere hours, he was going to make their lives miserable, and not only take over Deling City but take down its two greatest champions, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal, as well. 

Cowboy Werewolf forced himself not to laugh insanely as he thought of the carnage he was going to wreak on this city. He tipped his cowboy hat at a pretty girl passing by him, then started walking around the more affluent sections of the city, the areas he would target with his new master weapon. Once the blaring noise drove all of the wealthier citizens either unconscious or temporarily insane, he and his Wolf Pack would swoop in, stealing all of their valuables. 

"Hey, boss," said one of the Wolf Pack members, _sans_ mask, of course. "It looks like we're ready to go with our evil plot." 

"Why don't you say 'evil plot' a little louder?" Cowboy Werewolf said. "I don't think everybody heard you." 

"Sorry, Cowboy Wer---I mean, boss. I didn't say nothin' bout our Super Insano Noisy Truck or how we're gonna steal everybody's jewels and stuff." 

Cowboy Werewolf rolled his eyes. "Don't call me 'Cowboy Werewolf' while we're incognito, okay? And maybe you should wait until we're closer to the _police station_ before you start talking about the specifics of our evil plot!" 

"Shh!" shushed the Wolf Packer. "Don't talk about evil plots while we's out in public, boss!" 

Had he been in his werewolf form, Cowboy Werewolf would have ripped the lamppost out of the cement and whacked the Wolf Pack member with it like a baseball bat. Sadly, he was in his weaker human form at the moment, and so he merely sighed and put his hand over his forehead in aggrandizement. "All right. Has Team B reported in yet?" 

"No, sir, Cowboy Werewolf---" 

"I said to stop calling me that while we're in public!" 

"---sorry, boss. Anyway, I ain't heard nothin' from Team B yet, sir." 

"That's okay," said Cowboy Werewolf. "We have plenty of time." He rubbed his hands together in anticipation, an act which brought on some odd looks from other members of the Deling City community. "Soon, we'll have all the jewels, cash, and bearer bonds within the city, and even better, I'll finally be able to get my arch-enemies, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal!" Cowboy Werewolf realized he was on a path of speech which might end up with him chuckling madly, and since he didn't want to attract any attention, he stopped talking completely. 

The Wolf Pack recruit looked confused, which was not surprising, considering the average intelligence level of his subordinates. "Whatcha got against Captain Zoom, boss? Or Rocket Gal? She's hot!" 

"She is a little hot---in fact, she reminds me of a cute little girl from my school days," said Cowboy Werewolf as he looked off into the distance. "But hot or not, I have to take them both down. Why? Because I'm a super-villain. I am the yin to their yang; the evil to their good. I must defeat them. My only purpose in life is to destroy them. I have nothing else, I AM nothing else, until I stand victorious over their broken bodies, wind blowing through my hair...or rather, fur. Only then can I call myself truly a man, truly a warrior." He struck a pose that would have seemed horrifically evil had anyone recognized him as a super-powered criminal. 

"Gee, you make it sound like it's personal," said the Wolf Packer. 

"Oh, well, I guess it's not. Not really." Cowboy Werewolf thought about it. "No, it isn't. But, well, you know, if you're going to be bad, why not take it all the way?" 

"You're so evil, Cowboy Werewolf," said the Wolf Pack member. 

"I told you to stop calling me that!" 

_**---Later, at a spacious loft apartment in downtown Deling City...**_

Zell flipped channels on the television. "Man, things sure have been quiet, lately." 

"Hey!" Selphie shouted in protest. "I was watching that!" 

"You mean you like watching reruns of _Everybody Loves Laguna_? That show just wasn't that good." 

"Shut up," she told him curtly. "Sir Laguna was the handsomest and best actor EVER. You just can't appreciate his talent." 

"Well, he's handsome, maybe, but as far as acting goes---" Zell stopped himself. "I don't know that I want to talk about that right now." As he was debating whether or not it was acceptable to refer to another man as handsome, Selphie snatched the remote control out of his hand and turned the channel back to _Everybody Loves Laguna_. "Hey!" Zell protested. 

_Laguna and his older brother, Larry, were backing away from a growling dog. They had been trying to break into their parents' house to return the dirty magazine they'd found in their father's underwear drawer. "Get him offa me!" Larry shouted as the dog latched onto the hem of his pantleg. _

"Don't worry," Laguna said. He knelt down next to the dog. "Hey, cut that out, dude. It isn't cool." 

The dog stopped barking, whined, and looked at Laguna thoughtfully. Then, as if in personal insult, he began barking loudly again. 

"What's going on out here?!" Doris, Laguna and Larry's mother demanded, walking out her back door. "What are you two up to?" 

"Nothing, ma," said Larry in his rumbly bass voice. 

"Nothing, eh? Then, what's **that**?" Doris asked, pointing to the magazine in Laguna's left hand. 

Laguna looked flustered. "Ummm...it's a, it's a..." 

"It's a cookbook!" was what Larry came up with. 

"Oh, really? Let me see it!" 

"Um, no," Laguna stammered. "It's only a cookbook for...uh, men." 

Doris snatched the periodical out of Laguna's hand. "I can see that," she said, flipping through the pages. "Whose is this?" 

"Dad's," both Laguna and his brother said in unison, hoping to avoid any possible scoldings. 

Selphie giggled. "This show is so funny!" 

"You have got to be kidding," Zell said. 

_"Doris!" Pete, Laguna's father, called from inside the house. "Where's my dinner! I'm hungry! I want it now!" _

"Oh, you're going to get it!" Doris said threateningly, stomping back into the house. 

Larry looked angrily at his younger brother, still fighting off the dog. "You realize she's going to find a way to blame this on me." 

"Don't worry," Laguna said pleasantly. "She'll know it's not our fault." 

"She'll know it's not **your** fault," Larry said ominously. Then he sighed. "**Every**body loves Laguna..." 

"I always wondered," Zell said thoughtfully. "If Laguna was such a popular actor, why'd he have to do anything else?" 

"Hm?" Selphie prompted half-heartedly, giving nearly her entire attention to the television screen. 

Zell scratched his head. "Think about it. Laguna had two successful TV shows, and like more than twenty feature films. That doesn't even include his B-movies. Why'd he run off to Esthar?" 

"To save Ellone," Selhpie answered shortly. "You were there---well, sort of. Don't you remember?" 

"I remember him _being_ in Esthar," Zell said. "I don't remember him _going_ there." 

"Whatever," Selphie said, to a point, imitating Squall. 

_"This isn't even mine!" Pete screamed at Doris, slamming the dirty magazine down on their kitchen table. "I don't know why you barge in here and try to yell at me about nothing! Now, where's my dinner?!" _

"I'll give you your dinner!" Doris threatened, and before Laguna could stop her, she dumped a pot of spaghetti sauce over her husband's head. 

"Did you practice our little victory dance?" Selphie asked out of the blue. 

"Huh?" Zell said, startled after he had actually begun paying attention to the decades-old rerun. 

"Our dance," Selphie repeated. "You know, the one we came up with together?" 

"Yeah," said Zell, completely without enthusiasm. "I worked on it a little. Are you sure it won't seem too over-the-top?" 

Selphie managed to sound convincingly disgusted even though she was engrossed in the television. "No way. Sir Laguna's book, _My Most Important Victory Procedures,_ clearly states that no gesture can go too far when expressing your feelings about your victory. That's why we had to cook it up. That dance stands for our very identities. You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making you sing his cool 'victory theme.'" 

"You are WAY too into him," Zell said, shaking his blond head. 

_"I keep telling you, it's not mine!" Pete protested, holding the magazine above his head. "This thing isn't even new. It's like something I would've bought years ago, for..." He stopped, looking at the somewhat pornographic material. "Wait a minute. I remember this! I bought it when Laguna was thirteen. I wanted to show him how to..." He stopped. _

Laguna's eyes widened as well. "I didn't even recognize it..." 

"Hah!" Larry laughed in triumph. "I told you I had nothing to do with this!" 

"You corrupted my innocent baby?!" Doris demanded, more angry than even before. "Pete Baron, I'll knock you into next---" 

The next line was interrupted by a string of ambiguous noises. 

"Something wrong with the cable?" Zell asked, diving behind the television set. "No," he called. "Everything's hooked up all right. I wonder what's going on?" The oddly unpleasant noises answered his question, sounding much, much closer this time. 

Both Zell and Selphie dashed over to the large, long windows of their loft apartment. For moments, nothing was visible, but then, after waiting, they detected a moving vehicle driving towards them. As it approached closer, the din grew louder. Both SeeDs-turned-superheroes clapped their hands over their ears. 

"I think we should---" Zell said as Selphie shouted, "We need to---" 

Neither could hear the other, but each saw the intent apparent in the other's eyes. "Get snarfy!" they both said, although neither could hear. They high-fived, then used their respective powers of super-speed to get into costume. Mere seconds later, Captain Zoom and Rocket Gal sped off to intercept the newest incoming menace.

* * *


End file.
